Vampires
vampires pg 2
http://www.fahw.net/RepImageReview.html
On the cusp of the release of Twilight I find myself obsessing about vampires even more than usual. When I fall for something I fall HARD! That alone doesn’t bother me but I fear people think of me as a freak, my sister especially. I know she thinks I’m going to hell because of my likes. That’s what bothers me.
I realized lately I’ve found myself wishing with all my heart and soul vampires were real. I wish one would find me, fall completely and irrevocably in love, convert me and make me beautiful or at least make me feel beautiful. In a way that feels so wrong to me but overshadowing it is how much it feels so right.
If vampire are real where are they hiding? Are they all holed up somewhere in Transylvania? Can they sense those people that are yearning for some sort of contact? I truly believe that vampires would not be wholly evil. My ideals are the Edwards and the Henrys.
I feel so lost and alone in a world where the majority of the population would either have me commited or at least laugh at me and tell me to stop being ridiculous. I’m even worried about letting my online community of friends know how I feel for fear they would laugh at me. Deep down I know they won’t but the fear is still there. I care so much about what they think I would be devastated if they laughed, or worse, stopped talking to me. They are my biggest and best support system I have.
Why can’t people butt out of my life and let me live it the way I want?
Why can’t I treat myself better?
Ok so I’m posting this because I am bored and I have to get it out there.
I feel like I am invisible to everyone around me. I feel useless and stupid. I have no husband, boyfriend, etc, no kids and I feel like I am being used by my sister because of it. She is always trying to change me. She has repeatedy told my to cut my hair, get a new car, get a new job. Hah! In todays economy I’m lucky to have a job! I feel she thinks everything I do that doesn’t have to do with God is a sin. She doesn’t say it but it seems she is thinking it.
I feel like a failure who isn’t good at anything I do. I am stuck on writing, have tried drawing but I’m stuck there to. I would like to be great at just one thing. Have people look at whatever I did be it writing, drawing, whatever and say “OMG that is amazing. You are so good at this.” I guess I don’t get enough praise and I’m just looking for attention. What’s wrong with that?
Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I am always beating myself up over things that I have done wrong. “I’m so stupid. You freaking idiot. Why did you do that? Get a life. Get a husband. Have some kids.” I know it is all my fault for feeling this way but I can’t get over it. The world is a beautiful place (well for the most part). Why can’t I just see the beauty in it and be happy?
Then driving home from my other sister’s house after babysitting when I was feeling really low and wishing that I could go to sleep and never wake up somebody sent me a sign. All of a sudden two doe appeared in front of my car and just stood there starring at me in the middle of the road. They weren’t frightened at all. They then continued walking across the road to safety. Somebody must have been hearing me berate myself and wanted to tell me to shut up and enjoy what I do have.
I often need to remind myself of it & when I do I feel better.
